chad olson

I’m not sure if it was something in the air, or that the Rapture is tomorrow, (can I have your iPad when you’re gone?) but there have been a lot of articles this week that were so bad I didn’t think they’d be worth talking about. Generally I try to highlight articles of interest and throw in my two cents. If I’m feeling especially insightful I’ll string together a long form article of my own. But after a few requests on twitter, I decided to collate together some of the worst articles of the week.

And this week to help me out I’m very lucky to have as my first special guest commenter none other than GLaDOS herself.

I managed to pop on down to the Aperture Science Labs and, after a bit of testing, GLaDOS and I began.

Me:

I can’t thank you enough for helping me out with this GLaDOS.

GLaDOS:

Well, you found me. Congratulations. Was it worth it? Because despite your violent behavior, the only thing you’ve managed to break so far… is my heart. Maybe you could settle for that, and we’ll just call it a day. I guess we both know that isn’t going to happen.

Me:

Well, I figured we would look at some of the worst articles of the week and pick them apart a little bit. And I figured who better to help me out than yourself?

GLaDOS:

Look: we’re both stuck in this place. I’ll use lasers to inscribe a line down the center of the facility, and one half will be where you live, and I’ll live in the other half. We won’t have to try to kill each other or even talk if we don’t feel like it.

Me:

Right you are. So let’s dive right in.

GLaDOS:

Cake, and grief counseling, will be available at the conclusion of the test.

Ed Bott popped up a few times this week crying “wolf!”, a phrase I will continue to mention in the same sentence as Ed Bott’s name as long as he continues to link bait, over the MACDefender malware that’s been going around.

• An AppleCare support rep talks: Mac malware is “getting worse”Crying wolf?
• Apple support forums confirm malware explosion
• Apple to support reps: “Do not attempt to remove malware”

You can find my response to this in my “Ed Bott Cries “Wolf!” piece. My problem with Ed Bott isn’t that he’s writing about Mac malware, but that he’s writing about it in a way that is designed to inflame rather than inform. His slant is “Look! Apple is screwing it’s customers! Apple is turning their back on mac users! Mac OS X isn’t any more secure than Windows! John Gruber is just a blind fan boy!”

The actual issue worth talking about here is how we educate the average user to not install everything that pops up in front of their face. How can any OS be designed in a way that allows the user to do what they want, but not allow them to hurt themselves in the process? To use a car analogy, how can we design a car that lets the average user drive at 55mph and turn the steering wheel in any direction they want AND make it so they could never on purpose drive into a tree?

What if Apple goes all the way and makes the Mac App Store the only way to install programs onto your Mac? That would certainly eliminate this problem all together in the future. I’m sure the online commentary would be well balanced and reasonable.

Your thoughts GLaDOS?

GLaDOS:

Here are the test results: You are a horrible person. I’m serious, that’s what it says: A horrible person. We weren’t even testing for that. Don’t let that “horrible person” thing discourage you. It’s just a data point. If it makes you feel any better, science has now validated your birth mother’s decision to abandon you on a doorstep.

Me:

Well, Ed Bott is a terrible link baiter, but I’m not sure that level of hostility is required. Honestly GLaDOS have a bit of perspective.

GLaDOS:

The engineers tried everything to make me… behave. To slow me down. Once, they even attached an Intelligence Dampening Sphere on me. It clung to my brain like a tumor, generating an endless stream of terrible ideas.

Me:

Then you and Scott Raymond have something in common.

Scott Raymond excreted, for lack of a better descriptor, a column called “Apple doesn’t love you, they just want your money”. The short response to that would be “Apple is a giant corporation. Of course they just want your money. What do you think they’re in business for?!”

Scott Raymond:

It should come as no surprise by now that I am not a huge fan of Apple, the company. I do think they make excellent hardware, and my laptop is a MacBook Air running Windows 7. Their business practices, however, are pretty shady, and it’s my opinion that they hold nothing but contempt for their customers. A perfect example is the new malware attack against OSX, MACDefender. For years, OSX users have crowed about how they didn’t have to worry about viruses or malware, because mommy Apple kept them safe with an operating system that was immune to such things.

“mommy Apple”? Please email me if you have ever heard an Apple user say that out loud.

No, it was never immune. It was simply never on the radar of malware authors because it wasn’t financially attactive enough to attack. With the hundreds of millions of unprotected Windows installations, it didn’t make sense to bother. Well, there’s enough OSX users out there now to make it worthwhile, and the attacks are starting.

I think you meant “attractive” and not “attactive”. Does that Windows 7 MBA of yours have spellcheck? Does ZDNet have editors? And he trotted out the old “security through obscurity” stuff again.

GLaDOS:

Oh good. My slow clap processor made it into this thing. So we have that. Since it doesn’t look like we’re going anywhere…

Me:

It does seem like we’re just going around in circles doesn’t it?

GLaDOS:

He’s not just a regular moron. He’s the product of the greatest minds of a generation working together with the express purpose of building the dumbest moron who ever lived.

Me:

Well, he’s engaging in the unfortunate process of link baiting. All he’s doing is taking some current piece of news involving Apple and twisting it around to get both the Apple fans and Apple haters all upset so they visit his page and leave comments.

GLaDOS:

Okay, credit where it’s due: For a little idiot built specifically to come up with stupid, unworkable plans, that was a pretty well laid trap.

Scott Raymond:

Apple’s response? Sticking its fingers in its ears and shouting “LALALALA! I can’t hear you!” ZDnet’s Ed Bott interviewed an AppleCare representative, and was told that Apple’s official stance is that they not assist their customers in removing the malware. In fact, in a follow-up article, Ed shows an internal memo that tells Apple support reps to not even acknowledge the existence of the malware on their computer, nor provide them with further help or escalate to a higher support level.

First, Ed “Wolf!” Bott’s “interview” has never been reverified by anyone else. Secondly, Apple’s instinct has always been to gather facts and come up with a solution before saying anything. They did it with “Antennae-gate” and most recently with “Location-gate”. In both cases the media hyped up the issue and went crazy. Then Apple comes out with a statement and lets the air out of the entire thing. Expect the same thing to happen here.

This is atrocious. Even Microsoft, which has a long history of operating system exploits and malware issues, has acknowledged the problems and even provides anti-malware protection for free, as well as providing online and phone support for security issues.

Mac OS X has malware protection as well. (They just didn’t work this time.) And where are the numbers for the amount of social engineering malware exploits on Windows? And if Apple makes the Mac App Store the only way to get apps into Mac OS X what would be your well reasoned response?

Don’t expect Apple to change their stance until they are shamed into doing it. Because they already have your money. And they know that their diehard fans will swallow anything they tell them, even if it’s against their own best interests.

Lot’s to unpack in that little paragraph there.

“shamed into doing it”

…or had enough time to gather the facts and come up with a reasonable response.

“they already have your money”

…and I’m guessing they’d like to continue to do so, so they’ll do something.

“and they know that their diehard fans will swallow anything they tell them, even if it’s against their own best interests.”

Such as?

Burying your head in the sand is NOT a viable form of customer support.

Neither is blurting out random responses to an issue because bloggers are getting impatient.

GLaDOS:

You were busy back there. Well. I suppose we could just sit in this room and glare at each other until somebody drops dead, but I have a better idea.

Me:

Hold that thought GLaDOS, we have one more article worth picking apart.

GLaDOS:

Unbelievable. You, *subject name here,* must be the pride of *subject hometown here.*

Me:

Well I don’t like to brag.

Lastly…”Jillian” over at Padgadget had an article about the upcoming HP TouchPad: “HP Hijacks the Apple Smart Cover Design for the TouchPad”. Just reading the title you might get the impression that HP is being a copy-cat and blatantly ripping off Apple. That is until you actually read the piece:

HP’s tri-fold case bends and folds in the same manner as Apple’s Smart Cover, contorting itself into a stand for viewing or into a slight incline to make typing more comfortable. This copycat case does lack some of the elegance of Apple’s case. Instead of adhering with a slim-profiled magnet, it is integrated into a full and bulkier case. The other feature that HP’s case doesn’t have is the ability to instantly wake the device upon opening and put it back to sleep upon closing. Most people agree that this is one of the largest advantages of the Smart Cover, making it quick to pull your device out and have it ready to work in a moment –and in turn, shut it down and be on your way.

Here’s a picture of HP’s so called “Smart Cover”.

So in other words, this isn’t a copy of the Apple Smart Cover, which besides the tri-corner folding has some very specific features. HP is making a case that’s more akin to the first generation iPad case. So did someone else put a title on “Jillian’s” piece? Or was she just link baiting?

And to prove that 90% of internet commenters don’t know what they’re talking about, here’s “Cheesy”, the only comment on this article thus far:

im guessing apple would want to launch a case against hp now for replication of the use of their product design concept

And with that nugget of wisdom we round out the “Worst of the Week”

Me:

GLaDOS I can’t thank you enough for helping me out this week.

GLaDOS:

Congratulations, the test is now over. All Aperture technologies remain safely operational up to 4000 degrees kelvin. Rest assured, that there is absolutely no chance of a dangerous equipment malfunction prior to your victory candescence. Thank you for participating in that Aperture Science Enrichment activity. Goodbye!

Me:

Yeah…I’ll just let myself out.

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Chad Olson